


Sleepless Man

by Sashaya



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: (however that sounds), Angst, Consensual Drugging, F/M, Flashbacks, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, PTSD, Pepper is a good girlfriend, Tony Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, and she loves Tony very much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-03-25 20:41:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3824398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashaya/pseuds/Sashaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Sleep was never a remedy for his tortured mind. Only a return to wind full of sand and blood. And no-one understood him.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sleepless Man

**Author's Note:**

> _**Disclaimer:**_ _I don't own anything - just the plot._

Sleep was never a remedy for his tortured mind. Only a return to wind full of sand and blood. And no-one understood him. 

No, that wasn’t right. Pepper understood why he was so reluctant to sleep. She knew how terrified he was once the sleep came in possession of his mind. She was the one to sing him soft lullabies and whisper gentle words – _safeyou’resafeyou’rehome_ – as he woke up screaming and tears spilling down his face. Pepper knew he was afraid. But she also knew he had to sleep. 

He was human – _sofragilesosoftsowarmsosick_ – and even his ever-running brain needed a time to reboot. He had to rest, even if he was too afraid to do so. 

So she drugged him.

With heavy heart and shaking hands, she slipped him some sleeping pills in his rare meal or drink. He knew. He always knew, always felt the bitter taste of the pills and knew he was about to sleep – _ohgodohgodohgod_ – but he couldn’t yell at her. Not when she looked so devastated, so hurt. And he hated himself for making her do it. 

But it couldn’t be any other way and as much as she hated it, she understood. And it was okay. 

And then it wasn’t. 

Pepper and Tony, they had a tradition. She would let him stay awake for 48 - 60 hours most – and she would drug him and he would let her. He would fall asleep and wouldn’t know she sobbed as she held him through nightmares. They somehow worked.

But then it wasn’t PepperandTony anymore. It would be PepperTonyBruceClintNatashaSteve and sometimes Thor. It was so crowded and loud and suddenly his _insomnia_ wasn’t okay. Not that it ever was but they didn’t understand. And he didn’t want them to. But it was tiring – for him and for Pepper – to hide, to fight with them. 

Steve was yelling at him how unsuited for a hero he was, Bruce was giving him a disapproving looks, Natasha kept sneering at him, Clint was trying to tire him out and Thor was looking at him so sadly like he knew (but he didn’t, he couldn’t). But he could take it. He was used to people blaming him, yelling at him. But then, Clint noticed Pepper slipping him pills every other day, even when he promised to sleep, and called her on that. And Pepper would never tell them until he would let her. Clint yelled at her, told her that she made him an addict and that it was her fault he didn’t sleep.

And that he couldn’t stand. 

Clint looked like it was the first time he was slapped and taking in his assassin skills, he might have been. And he stared at Tony with wide eyes, mouth wide opened, when Tony ordered all of them – _such a shame, Bruce didn’t look like he was going to run anymore and Natasha wasn’t looking over her shoulder every second and Steve looked more at_ _ease with JARVIS and Thor stopped destroying every electronic device and Clint seemed to be making himself home_ – to get out and get lost and never come back. They did and Tony called Fury and tell him he wasn’t with SHIELD anymore. 

And that was okay. Even if he felt bad and empty and like he just destroyed everything he ever wanted, it was okay. Because he still had Pepper and she… and she was crying so much, clinging to him, spilling words – _ohgodTonyI’msorrythey’rerightit’smyfaultIshouldhelpyouIloveyouI’msorry_ – and she was so broken in his arms. 

And he didn’t like it.

He lulled her to sleep, listening to her steady breathing, interrupted by a soft sob and he laid with her. Too afraid to sleep, too needed to walk away. Somehow, he dreamt.

It was sand again and blood and rough wind and gunshots everywhere and people screaming, people dying and… he woke up. Drenched in his own sweat and with his voice stacked in his throat - _rawsorawsomuchsand_ – and with Pepper squeezing his hand tightly. And with them looking over him, looking like they just saw a nightmare and he just hoped it wasn’t his. 

Natasha was squeezing her own hands, drawing blood. Thor was crying and walked away to destroy something, smash it into pieces. Steve was biting his lip, fighting tears and his own screams of insults at himself. Clint was looking between Pepper and Tony and was looking so lost, so hurt and broken like they were. Bruce had his eyes close, fighting Hulk, who was roaring to get free, to smash Tony’s fear.

Tony looked at Pepper, who was crying and – _ohgod_ – her eyes were so red, she was crying all the time and she couldn’t stop and he couldn’t remember when she was happy and safe and free of hurt and guilt. Tony closed his eyes and brought her hand to his lips – _I’msorryIloveyouI’msorryIcan’tletyougopleasedon’tgodon’tleavemeohgodI’msorry_ – and held it there, feeling her warmth and knowing she was real, that he was safe, he was home. 

Sleep was never a remedy for his mind. It only brought memories of torture and sand and blood. And he was too afraid to sleep. 

And they understood. 

And it was okay. Even if it wasn’t.


End file.
